Pokemon Squad: Episode 214

Hey now
Hey wow
Here's how
Come battle!
With Pokemon Squad

Come on
Come in
Battle begin!
Victory awaits
With Pokemon Squad

Between the halves of a PokeBall
It's time to win it all, with Pokemon Squad!

Amid the powers
Avoid the Yaois
Open the ball
Come one, come all

Come with Pokemon Squad
Begin with Pokemon Squad
Win with Pokemon Squad



*A title card with a silhouette of Barney laughing on the floor of the stock exchange and the words "Let's Play With Numbers!" is shown*

"He's still at it, huh, bucko?" Snap muttered to Rudy as he sipped his coffee.
"I'm starting to wonder if we should talk to him or something," Rudy said.
Barney Frank walked into the room.
"I haven't heard from my idiot brother in a while," he said. "What sort of mess has he gotten into?"
"Oh, we found this computer outside of the capitol building," Rudy replied. "It looked like they had put it on the curb to be picked up by a garbage truck. Anyway, we decided to bring it home to give to him so he would have something to keep him occupied."
"Good call too, bucko," Snap added. "He's been hammerin' away on dose keys all mohnin'. An' since we locked him in da basement we haven't had ta put up wit his yappin', bucko."
"Huh. Good move, guys," Barney Frank chuckled. "Wait, did you say this computer was outside the capitol?"
"Yeah," Rudy replied.
"You didn't plug that thing in, did you?"
"Well, see, bucko," Snap said, "he got bohed of lookin' at a blank screen and smashin' keys down afta about twenty minutes. So we had no choice, bucko."
"He needed something more stimulating!" Rudy said.
"I have a very bad feeling about this..." Barney Frank grumbled as he unlatched and opened the basement door.
The three of them headed down the stairs into the basement, Barney's giggling and shouting growing louder and louder as they neared him.
"OH BOY!" the three of them heard him shout. "NUMBERS!"
"That cannot be good," Barney Frank muttered.
They rounded the corner and found Barney in a room sitting at a desk, randomly smashing keys on the keyboard of a computer. An alarm began to sound from the computer.
"YAY, I WIN!" Barney laughed. "HUHUHUHUHUHUH!"
He kept hitting the keyboard anyway though, for good measure. Barney Frank approached him and came close to fainting when he saw what was happening on the screen.
"Barney," he gasped. "You need to stop. I'm serious, you need to stop."
"Why though, big brother?" Barney asked. "I'm having such funnily-fun-fun-fun-a-roo here!"
"What's he doing?" Rudy asked.
"Well," Barney Frank said as he pulled Barney away from the keyboard, "he tanked the Kanto stock market. Looks to me like he messed with the value of the currency here too. And the rest of the economy is deteriorating too if these charts on the screen are any indication."
"How'd he do dat, bucko?" Snap asked.
"I guess he hit enough random keys to actually get the username and password for one of the computer's accounts right," Barney Frank replied. "And apparently the government didn't clear the information from this computer before throwing it out. There's another indication of what idiots we've got in power currently... Anyway, it looks like we're on our way to a depression. A severe one."
"YAY!" Barney laughed. "So I do win!"
"None of us win, you idiot..." Barney Frank sighed, shaking his head.


"Madame President?"
Daria yawned and stretched.
"Ow!" Jane yelped as Daria accidentally smacked her face with the stretch.
"Oh, sorry Jane," Daria muttered. "I'll be right back. Yes, what is it?"
Jane rubbed her eyes and yawned, and then suddenly heard Daria screaming and sobbing. Daria ran back into the bedroom.
"Daria, this isn't like you. What's wrong?" Jane asked.
"THE ECONOMY TANKED OVERNIGHT, THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG," Daria shouted in response. "ALL OF KANTO IS DOOMED. POKEMON CENTERS WILL HAVE TO CHARGE FOR HEALING. IT'LL TAKE MORE MONEY THAN YOU CAN CARRY JUST TO BUY A BIKE."
"Whoa, easy, calm do- wait, doesn't it already cost that much for a bike?"
"SEE?!"


Professor Oak gaped at the newspaper the next morning.
"'Kantonian stock market at all time low'?!" he gasped. "If the economy tanks again penny candy will be done for!"
"What century did you grow up in again?" June asked.
RM chuckled.
"See, this is why capitalism needs to be destroyed," he said smugly as he sipped his coffee. "Anyway if it comes to it we have extra bedrooms we can rent out to guests and I can sell my car."
"Didn't you say you were going to try to dispute your license being revoked?" Brock asked.
"Well, yes, but apparently when your licensed was revoked for doing 120 in a school zone because you were trying to get away from a wasp you can't really do much to dispute that. And it also seems that it's not a good idea to try to dispute it by crossdressing sexily to try and seduce the judge. At least when the judge is Larry."
"You had that license for all of a week," Henry commented. "I still don't get how you got it in the first place."
"Are we going to be poor, mommy?" Ash asked Delia.
"Of course not, sweetie," Delia replied. "As long as we have our love for each other, we're as rich as can be!"
"Hallmark called and they want their greeting cards back," MM muttered. "Anyway Professor, are they saying in the newspaper anything about what might've caused this crash?"
"They say hacking hasn't been ruled out," Professor Oak replied.
"But if that's the case then wouldn't it be that the stock indices were altered rather than actual consumer involvement in the economy?" Clemont asked. "So considering that, this apparent crash would be completely benign in and of itself unless it leads to consumers actually becoming less involved for fear of taking risks that won't pay off."
"True though that may be, it's practically inevitable that if the stock market even appears to reach an all time low consumers will be too nervous to invest in any form," Max replied. "So it'll pretty quickly turn from a false crash to a real one."
"I'm sure we've got no need to worry!" said Dawn. "This time tomorrow everything will be figured out!"


That time tomorrow the Kantonian economy was practically nonexistent and money was literally not worth the paper it was printed on.
"Delia, can we PLEASE turn the heat on?!" Brock asked. "I need to ma- er, shower, but the water's like ice. And RM left me in charge while he's getting essentials overseas."
"Yes, but he left ME in charge of the finances since I'm the only one here who knows how to adult!" Delia replied. "Well, other than Professor Oak, but I'm not sure any of us trust him to remember how much he's spent."
"What was your name again?" Professor Oak asked Gary, who shook his head as he handed him a bowl of soup.
"None of us trust you to spend it on anything other than box wine and erotica," Brock fumed.
"I don't have to take this!" Delia said as she threw her hands up and walked away. "Go ahead, burn our money to heat your shower! We all know you're not even actually washing yourself in there!"
"Mommy, are we poor?" Ash asked her as she walked by.
"What's poor right now is Brock's attitude," Delia spat.


There was a knock at the door. MM went to answer it and found Larry in a police uniform and June looking furious.
"Yeah, she tried to sell me crack," Larry said to MM. "I let her off with a warning because she broke the handcuffs and also because they don't pay me enough to do this job, least of all today."
"Look (Nick jingle)er, I needed the money, that's why I was trying to sell you the god(Nick jingle) drugs," June seethed.
"And what were you going to use the money for?" MM asked.
"...Honestly more drugs or at least booze."


May cheerily walked into the kitchen.
"Hello food?" she called out.
"Uhhhhh food machine broke," Brock replied as he washed a ramen cup.
"Understandable, have a nice day," May sulked as she left.
She walked past June, who was wearing a trenchcoat and fedora. June reached into the coat's pocket and pulled out a cup of ramen.
"Last one on the island," June sneered. "It's yours if you've got the money for it."
May's eyes widened.
"How much?" she asked.
"You got $100 on you?"
"Nope."
"$50?"
"Nope."
"$20?"
"Nope."
"(Nick jingle), do you even have $10? That's my final offer, I'm not even making a (Nick jingle)ing profit at this point."
"I have a couple quarters."
June tore off the trenchcoat and punched the wall.


RM disembarked from Rayquaza a couple days later to find Unnamed Town looking like it had been in a depression for twenty years instead of just a few days. He cringed as he looked around. Then he noticed Rudy in a newsboy cap and a tattered coat on the steps to the Yaoi House.
"Rudy, why are you dressed like that?" he asked as he approached him. "How did everything worsen this much in so little time?"
"Oh, hey RM," Rudy said. "These actually are my granddad's clothes."
"Ya look incredible, bucko!" Snap laughed as he rounded the corner of the house to join them.
"Even that big coat?" RM asked.
"From the thrift shop down the road," Rudy replied.
"Ah. Ah, I'm hunting."
"Looking for a come-up?"
"No, I'm hunting for answers about what happened while I was getting food and toiletries."
"Oh, that. Yeah, that's mostly because the entire region is basically bankrupt at this point."
"How did the entire Kanto region go bankrupt less than a week after its economy tanked?" RM gaped.
"One tin led ta anotha, bucko," Snap said. "And da whole time Bahney was hammerin' away on dat farkakte computah. I tink he's still at it, bucko."
"Wait, Barney?" RM asked. "What do you mean farkakte computer? What's he doing with it?"
"Ta be honest wit yous bucko it's really all ouah fault."
"Well, kvetching about it won't solve anything," RM replied. "You mean to say you two were the cause of this depression? Where does Barney come in?"
"Da whole mishegoss stahted when me and Rudy found dis computah outside da capitol buildin'," Snap explained.
"We brought it back here so Barney would have something to do and wouldn't bother us," Rudy put in. "But it turned out it was a government computer and, well, somehow he managed to singlehandedly destroy the Kantonian economy."
RM groaned.
"I'm not sure what's more unbelievable," he muttered. "What you just told me, or that it actually doesn't surprise me. This whole thing is meshuggah."
"I'll say, bucko!" Snap chuckled.
"Give me a moment, I have a few phone calls to make," RM said. "I know some people, and I think I can get this whole situation fixed."


Twenty minutes later, Barney was still hammering away at the keys of the government computer and laughing gleefully when the door to the basement was bashed in and a swat team consisting of Larry, Cilan, and Barbie rushed in and slammed him to the floor.


The next morning, everything seemed to already be back to normal.
"RM, I'm honestly amazed you didn't use the opportunity to seize the means of production," MM said as the two of them had their coffee, "but you did great."
"I do generally prioritize petty hatred and rivalry of individuals with whom I've got baggage above the greater good," RM replied.
Then the two of them noticed Brock shoving Delia's erotica into the fireplace and lighting a match.
"Brock, we can use the heat now, there's no need to start a fire to keep warm," RM said.
"Oh, I know that," Brock replied. "I just found these in the bathroom with the bathtub still wet just before I was going to go in."
"Oh, okay, carry on," RM said. "Remind me later to fumigate the bathroom."
"Got it," Brock said as he threw the match onto the erotica.
THE END


*RM is sitting on his bed wearing a Red Army uniform and reading the Communist Manifesto as he occasionally looks up to throw darts at a picture of Barney decorated with yellow felt on top of his head and Cheeto dust covering the rest of the picture. MM walks in.*
(MM) Yo, RM, have you seen my-
*RM turns to him*
(MM) I'll come back later.